just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
