Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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