I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
