I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
