you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize