We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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