Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
