you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
