I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
