I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm too high and old for this...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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