I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize