There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
