legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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