3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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