I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
