does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
