He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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