i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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