Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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