Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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