You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
