my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
