Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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