watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just puked most of my soul out..
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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