He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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