Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
