we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
