I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
