Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
