I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize