it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
