i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
