she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
