Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
