i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
