i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
