I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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