the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
