When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
