Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
