I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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