Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
