Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize