the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
