I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
