its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
