You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
