my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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