So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Pants are for mortals
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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