Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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