sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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