Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
