just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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