Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
