...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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