Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
