Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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