mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Randomize