Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize