shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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