also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
