my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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